Identifying the problem. You can’t separate people from the problem if you don’t know what the problem is. A good way to move forward in a discussion where anger is escalating is through identifying the problem. Identifying the problem focuses all energy on the crisis at hand rather than the persons involved in a conflict. The two parties focus their energies on a common enemy that is outside of themselves, a move that puts the two opposing parties back on neutral ground. There are many processes you can use to identify the problem. Here is one of them. Step one: get as much information as you can why the other party is upset. Step two: surface the other person’s position. Reframe this position into a problem statement. Example: “I can hear how upset you are. Am I right in perceiving that the problem for you is that you weren’t informed of the account being sold?” Step three: review your own position. State your position in a problem statement as well. Example: “The problem for me is that I don’t have the resources to contact you. The phone lines are not working because of the storm.” Step four: having heard both positions, define the problem in a mutually acceptable way. Example: “I hear that you’d like to be informed of any sales. On my part, I’d like to inform you, but for as long as the phone lines are dead, I can’t see how I would do it. I think the issue here is about finding an alternate way to get the information to you on time while the phones are being repaired. Do you agree?” If the two parties agree to the problem statement, they can now both work at the surface problem and take the focus away from their emotions.
